Only FC Bayern Can Be German Champions: Snail-Hate Toward the Shell

May 3, 2026

Nearly 100 goals, a gigantic lead: FC Bayern continues to circle alone at the top. But they are not as dominant as other perennial powers.

J Yes, they collected three more points again, the Munich habit-winners. A 4:0 against Union Berlin. Yet: it was again not the highest matchday win. The targeted 100 league goals are still not reached. And Harry Kane’s new goalscoring record (42)? It’s further away as the season finale approaches.

The table says: nine points ahead. That could actually be enough for the next title. But the prolonged procedure is unbecoming of FC Bayern. The perennial champions lumber toward the next coronation in such slow-motion that even snails would complain about the pace. Hadn’t we predicted here (see from 2.1.26) that the Ia seid Ias would be the first German pre-spring champion on March 14? Now it’s almost autumn.

Looking abroad with a troubled glance: In Belgium and the Netherlands, the second-division champions (and promoted teams) are already decided. In the Netherlands, by the way, where FC Bayern has historically drawn less sympathy than here, the epithet het kwaad for the Munichers is gradually taking hold. Means: The Evil. In the Eredivisie, PSV Eindhoven will be sovereign champion by the next matchday at the latest (perhaps Sunday evening). Faster than Munich could also be: Dinamo Zagreb in Croatia, NK Celje in Slovenia, FC Porto in Portugal, Inter in Italy, Lok Leipzig in the Regionalliga Nordost, even Buriram United in Thailand. Humiliating!

Off the pitch, Bayern Munich is more successful. They have pampered the Munich Sozen mayor, this red blemish, with side incomes for so long that the salary scandal became a spectacle, and Dieter Reiter had to go into the runoff (after editorial deadline). If Munich really has to cope with a greenhorn mayor, the FC Ruhmreich will outmaneuver him with some side job as well. Until there is again a proper CSU man as mayor of the town hall.

Also Bayern’s women are clearly further along; the title is already waving around Easter. The men’s ragtag squad, however, is stumbling toward May. And in the middle of this crisis comes the ritual exit in the Champions League against Real Madrid, on April 15 at home in the quarterfinals. That also puts the fifth Bundesliga European place out of reach. But for others, FC Always-Defeating-Everyone has never cared.

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Evelyn Hartwell

Evelyn Hartwell

My name is Evelyn Hartwell, and I am the editor-in-chief of BIMC Media. I’ve dedicated my career to making global news accessible and meaningful for readers everywhere. From New York, I lead our newsroom with the belief that clear journalism can connect people across borders.