N Now then, we golfers—both women and men. We declare ourselves to be machines. Or rather, we are told which ones to be. The Golf Magazine, a trade publication from Oberhaching, leads the way: Now, when the courses lie dormant in winter, when mud and wind hinder play, we would need the “pit stop for body & mind.” Because: this season offers “ideal conditions to address physical issues, analyze performance reserves, and invest long-term in one’s own playing ability.”
There are clinics with “high-end diagnostics” and “concrete options for training, daily life, and longevity.” Off we go to the medical pit stop. Have tires and oil changed, fix paint damage. Bring on the TÜV plate for the new season. Not that we want to end up prematurely at a junkyard and hope for celestial realms where there might be no golf courses.
The terms fit soccer players who have long since become cars, as we reporters keep telling. The players would need to “step on the gas” and “watch opponents in the rearview mirror,” then “finally release the handbrake,” then “shift up a gear.” Car talk, as if the athletes have a combustion engine inside. “Now he must move onto the overtaking lane.” Whoever falters should “recharge energy.” And then please “engage the turbo.” All of this has been heard thousands of times. And we have even declared ourselves as self-movers: “Where do you stand?” someone asks the driver as a greeting. Reply: “I’m standing over there.”
Now golf, then. Simply playing, for fun and pleasure? No, the Golf Magazine recommends the “compact health check—from medical retreats to new findings in muscle, back, and brain research.” A full-body inspection, then. To strengthen is the autonomic nervous system, “our body’s own gas pedal.” The inner automobile should be approached strategically, like a business: “Who now invests wisely also starts the new season more sustainably.”
Greenwashing Can’t Get Much Worse
“Sustainable,” here even elevated to sustainable, is especially important: sustainable as the buzzword of our time, with which you can sell anything. Greenwashing can’t get any more greenwashing. In the past, cleaning products were supposed to clean a product not just clean it, but wash it clean. Today, “sustainable” washes everything in a sustainable way like nothing else.
The golf journal extols individual private hospitals as pit stops, as if they were advertisements. The Buff Medical Resort in Konstanz, according to an editorial tester, offers “time-out in a new dimension,” for example “spiroergometry with VO₂max measurement – a gold standard of performance diagnostics, which I had previously known only from professional sport.” Will the drive become more precise? More importantly: the Muscle Imbalance Profile could “give early indications of degenerative diseases such as dementia.”
Yes, golfers get dementia less often and later, that is known. Hurrah! But whether this is really due to golf itself or to other factors such as social life or nutrition, is not known. Also advertised is the Years Medical Center day clinic in Berlin, located on the Ku’damm, which, described as a startup (another important buzzword), offers a “check-up with depth.” The tester also noted that “all examinations are consistently based on current scientific knowledge and studies,” all “state of the art.”
Can one also expect this from the cost of the pit stop? “The extensive Ultimate Package” runs at about €16,000. Insurance coverage? Unfortunately not even for private insured; only upon request could parts be subsidized, it says. Sounds very tempting. I will still refrain, because I lack private health insurance that might also reject a homeopathic portion. And Ku’damm is also dull. Perhaps the next putt will sink just as easily.
