“Do better!” “Good job!” “Try again!” As children, these little nudges and cheers can mean more than a gold star—sometimes, they shape a lifetime. But what happens to those of us who rarely heard praise at home? The effects linger, and according to Dr Yasmine Liénard, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist, a very real hidden trait often persists into adulthood. Dive in—you might just recognize someone (maybe even yourself).
The Invisible Power of Encouragement
As human beings, encouragement and acknowledgment aren’t just nice—they’re necessary to forge ahead in life. From our earliest days, that gentle pat on the back (sometimes literal, sometimes just a twinkle in a parent’s eye) seeds our self-esteem. Dr Liénard explains, “Parental encouragement shows they are attentive and enthusiastic about their child’s achievements.” In other words, your parent clapping at your off-key school performance? That mattered more than you might admit.
It’s not simply about feeling good. “Encouraging a child’s progress is important, as it stimulates and motivates them to do better later on,” she adds. When such encouragement is missing, especially during childhood, the consequences can bleed into adulthood. Sometimes, they even tip into trauma territory.
Not Enough Praise? Don’t Panic—But Be Aware
Before anyone starts writing a guilt-ridden letter to their parents, let’s get real: never praising your child constantly does not mean poor parenting. Perfection isn’t possible—parents have their own worries and, let’s face it, kids aren’t perfect either. There’s a sliding scale here, a continuum of behaviors related to encouragement, stretching from 0% (arctic indifference) to 100% (over-glorification central).
“An excess of praise moves toward 100% and leads to overvaluing the child,” says Dr Liénard. “Zero percent encouragement equals emotional deprivation—that is, a lack of interest from indifferent or even absent parents.” This vacuum of interest can slip into devaluation or outright neglect, both forms of mistreatment.
And why do some parents miss the mark? Often, those who weren’t themselves encouraged in childhood may unconsciously repeat the same cycle. The plot thickens further if a parent struggles with depression or intense stress—they may simply lack the psychic energy to muster up enthusiasm for their child’s accomplishments. In short: praise is contagious, but so is its absence.
The Hidden Trait: Restless Seeking and Its Shadow
How does a lack of encouragement show up in a child’s world? Sometimes, it’s a desperate hunt for attention and an obsession with being “special.” Dr Liénard points out, “These children might want to be first in class or physically perfect, believing that being ordinary is akin to invisibility.” This thirst for validation can turn into an endless chase for approval from adults (and everyone else, to be honest).
- Relentless attention seeking: Doing anything to stand out, seeking external approval as proof of worth.
- Signs of depression: When praise is scarce, some children internalize the belief that they are uninteresting, leading to a decline in school interest, poor attention span, or symptoms that mimic ADHD.
The insidious part? These patterns don’t always evaporate when childhood ends. For some adults, their unexplained unease or anxiety is rooted in these early gaps of praise and interest. What hidden traits might arise?
- Denial and Compensatory Hyperactivity: Adults may construct elaborate routines to avoid tough emotions—excelling at work or social life in a kind of “running away from feelings” marathon.
- Emotional Difficulties: Often showing up in romantic entanglements, like anxious attachment or emotional dependence. As Dr Liénard sums up, “In love life, we replay the relationship we had with our parents.”
- More severe cases: For the unlucky few, the consequences can look like addictions (including sexual ones), suicidal thoughts, psychiatric disorders, or even chronic physical pain. Remarkably, the body sometimes expresses what the mind cannot.
Breaking the Cycle, Finding Balance
Let’s all exhale: nobody is the perfect parent, and nobody needs to be. The key, says Dr Liénard, is to locate yourself somewhere on the scale between 0% and 100%—and aim for balance, not extremes. Praise and encouragement are essential tools for strengthening positive behavior and fostering healthy growth. But there’s more: parents can benefit from reflecting on their own upbringing, emotional patterns, and inherited expectations. The goal? Let your child be a child, not a stand-in for your unmet needs.
And if you’re an adult noticing some of these lingering wounds? Don’t despair. Dr Liénard suggests tackling emotional regulation and self-esteem head-on. There are practical approaches—meditation, body-oriented therapies, cognitive-behavioral work—which can help rewire old narratives.
So whether you’re offering a “well done” today or still aching for one you never got, remember: encouragement is powerful at any age—and it’s never too late to begin.
